Help, I'm Divorced and I Can't Get Up

Walls.
Funny things, these walls which we construct around ourselves. My walls have been very deep and very tall for a while now. Years ago, Malcolm Boyd wrote, "That wall, is it in my way or is it protecting me?" It's been a statement that has remained with me all of my life. I've just recently trusted the looking glass enough so humpty-dumpty-down.gif (2166 bytes)

that I feel a real need to let a few bricks down, one by one. Oh, so carefully. Humpty Dumpty is still pretty fragile, so just one brick at a time.

Oh, sure! I look fine to you now, but that's just because I've stepped away from my self-imposed exile to write this article. I assure you that even before I cross the last t and dot the last i of my submission to this maiden voyage of "Phenomenal Women on the Web" Showcase, I will be high-tailing it back to the safe restrictions of my life behind the wall. It's become a life I've come to know all too well. It is this very place from which I can't seem to get up!

Three years ago, I said goodbye to a twenty-year marriage after trying for years to find a sense of balance and peace with my ex-husband. I had the half-million dollar house with its two-story deck and top of the line Weber grill, three-car garage in which one resided the mid-life sports car. It always looks so good from the outside looking in, doesn't it? Behind those walls, however, was a sense of emptiness that kept growing until the roar of the silence was no longer worth the struggle.

I tried ten years before to step away from my "mentally challenging" marriage but was scared out of my wits when the lawyers informed me that my net worth would be zilch. I just wasn't ready to be poor yet; and so I stayed on for another ten years. There were still experiences from which I guess I had to learn before the time came to call it a day. Yes. "Every failure is not a failure at all, but an opportunity to grow!" Ahem.

Three months after the divorce, I knew love for the very first time in my life. Every day was pure heaven. Every look into each others eyes was an endless embrace. I never again will have to feel sad for not knowing such love. Sadly, however, that perfect love was over almost a year to the day that it began. To go into further detail would take me to epic proportions of memories that are best left quietly to themselves. At this point, I am perfectly satisfied with my singleness. I have the most wonderful love of my dear friends and my extraordinary eleven-year-old daughter whom I am proud to call my child. She comes before all others in my life.

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I will not abandon her; and this is one of the challenges that I face, as well. I refuse to put her in any day care. No child should be subjected to the coldness of these little prisons. I strongly believe that the troubles with our children in our society stem from the broken family; and children are left to emotionally fen for themselves. Following true to my principles, I have set up my new household so that I can work from home, more for any reason, because I need to be available for her.

I don't believe that I will ever get married again. I know, "Never say 'Never'", but I've come to believe that men and women were not meant to stay together forever. I have learned from every disappointment and from every goodbye. I think that's just the way it is.

You Learn . . .
After a while you learn the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to understand that
Kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin with your head held high
And your eyes open
With the grace of a woman,
Not the fret of a child.
You learn to build your own roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even
Sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn . . . and you learn.
With every good-bye you learn

Tune in tomorrow, folks. Same time. Same station. The answer that's blowing in the wind may just drop in my lap by then. Lord knows this Alice in Wonderland is too frozen within her own fears to get out there and take the rabbit by the ears, dig her heels in and move on, just like that. I can't expect some people to understand what sounds like whining here, but it's just not that easy!

For the first time in my privileged forty-six years, I am facing issues that have to do with self-support. Yipes! Help!!! I'm so scared. God, I'm so scared. Imagine, if you will, trying to walk with your feet stuck in solid cement. That's pretty much how it feels. I never, in a million years, would have guessed that I'd be so frozen, so weak, so surprisingly vulnerable.

All my life I've been sunbathing beside still waters of private clubs and valet parking. Now, I'm standing naked on a public pool diving board, knees knocking and shivering to the bone. It's just not a pretty sight, I tell ya! The good news is that I think that the worst is over. It has been three years since the hurricane of transformational waters flooded my emotions with the divorce. I did spend that year afterwards and the year after that with powerful experiences tugging at my heartstrings; but, yes I do think the worst is over.

The wall is still there, but with friendship and love that comes through special friendship, windows have been installed so that I can imagine life on the other side. It's a step, anyway. Baby Steps. God, I love that. Baby Steps. Bill Murray, with your puppy dog eyes, you made two movies that get right to the heart of my issues. The first was "What About Bob" (fears and anxieties); and the other "Groundhog Day" (learning and growing stronger through the trials our failures and mistakes), the latter being the most significant movie of the two. Every day, I wake and improve just a little bit more, feel a little bit more secure about something. Boy, do I need a lot of Groundhog Days, but hey! . . . at least I'm waking up with my focus in a healthy direction.

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God, I just want the basics. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Just give me the basics. We begin our lives with nothing but our nakedness and a clean slate. Then we roll along like little flakes of snow, collecting stuff, sticking to other flakes, getting into snowball fights, and building snowmen who melt away when they feel the heat breathing down their neck. All the pressure! Who needs it? Then, if we're lucky enough to get past the lessons of early life, we hit a crossroad mid-way that gives us new "opportunities". Yes, Gilda, "It's Always Somethin'". If I could just get out of these cement boots, I know I could make more than just a beauty mark on the face of society.

I've come to trust the rests between the notes of life's melody. Time has a way of allowing the seasons to carry us through necessary steps in the pathways of our renewal process. With every spring comes a new beginning, a new dawn. It's all about sunrises and sunsets. Funny. That's the name of the song that was sung at my wedding, "Sunrise, Sunset". One season following another. Each season, growing from our own fears. The lazy, hazy days of summer will soon turn to the harvest. Then watch me grow. I don't plan to sit around behind these walls forever, y'know. There are places to go, things to do, people to see. Damn these cement boots. Does anybody have a jack-hammer? A pick ax? A nail file? Help!