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"New Horizons - Starting
Over"
Single after 18 years of marriage
by Linda
Clark
On September 1, 1979 I said till death do us part. At the age of 19 I believed those words and expected them to be so. At that time I did not think it would be my spirit that could die or my self-esteem that would be in danger of expiring. My marriage was not a nightmare, I try to make that clear to those that ask. I had happy years, and later happy moments. It was my understanding that the moments had become fewer and fewer that caused the beginning of the end. When I saw the haunted expression in the mirror reflected on my children’s faces, I knew it was more than my own inner confusion, and that a change had to come. Because I did "married" so well I was questioned if I understood what "not married" was going to be like, was I sure? The questions, once I quieted those that realized this was something I wanted; not mourned, changed. Did he beat you, was he a drinker, did he stay out all night, I heard them all. Again it seemed I was fighting some shared misconception that injury had to occur for someone to be abused. It seemed everyone thought unless there were bruises there was no reason to leave. All this made what I was doing more daunting. I wondered if I would have any support. I also realized in fooling myself into thinking all was well, I had given a stellar performance for everyone else including my husband. I am sad to say he is one of the few who still refuses to see any problem that cannot be repaired with an "I am sorry" and instant forgiveness. My family, although always supportive of my choices, had questions. They worried that some how I was confused. That surely this was workable. As I spoke to them with an assured voice and told them how unhappy I was they began to understand I knew what I needed. And surprisingly for us all, some of them had seen it before me. In fact I now know some had stayed quiet out of respect for my feelings and were relieved that I had found my own truth. I have also found friends on this journey that understand and believe in me. Friends were never really part of my married life, they are a refreshing addition to my future. I can tell you with utter
joy, the friends I found who have helped me more than any are I said before my marriage was not a nightmare, ending it and living past it in some ways is. As I have said my husband saw no reason for an end. The legal steps took time because of his hope that dragging it out would make it all go away. Part of the problem was my inability to force the issue. A large part of me still believed I needed to make him happy, even in this I was looking out for him before myself. This was my biggest lesson learned, to know I needed to look out for me because no one else would. What should have been an easy process took months to see to the end. Dealing with lawyers and laws and miles of paperwork with a feeling of helplessness did nothing for my self-esteem. To see our children treated, (in their words) as packages was hard for me too. I kept it in perspective that it was necessary to get through if I was going to start my new life. But for some reason I thought some magic thing would happen when the judge signed that paper. I was wrong of course, the hurt and problems were still there. In fact they were growing because now I faced them head on and alone. I also faced all the other responsibilities of being a single mom and head of a household.
The reality of a single paycheck and choosing what could be afforded and what was now a luxury is a difficult task. We are frugal when we can be and take a chance on extravagances on rare occasions. I will never claim it is easy and have spent sleepless nights wondering where the money for rent will come from. But I work hard and they cut where they can; so simple treats remind us that life isn’t too serious. And making it work is a self-fulfillment too. I know the girls will come out of this better people understanding their self worth and knowing their mom is a strong model for them. The question in everyone’s mind now that this is old news (one year ) is when will I date again, will I get married again, and other such requested predictions. One person said how quickly I go back out into the singles world was going to be a sign of how much I am living in the past, "How important my ex-husband still is." I do not believe this, I believe how quickly I move from one act in this play to the next reflects how I feel about me. And truthfully I am not that settled on who I am just yet. But every day I discover I like me a little more. And I know I have lots of time. Someday I hope to find someone to share my life with. But I will want to offer a whole person and I still have mending to do. Each day is a beginning I have never seen before. I will never look at a dawn the same way again. I have seen that tomorrow does come and I open my eyes knowing it was my choice to face it. My choice to see the day and it will be my choice what I make of it. I will not need to make some grand scale discovery or change some ebb and flow to make a difference. I can just discover another part of me that has not been tested before. And move forward into the light and away from the darkness. "Lessons" When
you look away, you could lose a memory...
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my
daughters. Their belief in me and what I have chosen to do has been a
wonderful thing for me. Although their unbending faith in me is
sometimes a scary burden to have in itself, I have gained more than I
could ever imagine. Their faith and current well being proves to me
daily that I was right to make this move.
when
you know you are. To be the only voice speaking the
rules and making the decisions is not a glamorous job.
We have bad days where I wonder what I have done. But we
work through them and I hope we all learn and grow from
the bumpy times. I have always juggled paychecks and my
daughters are use to not having all they want but most
of what they need.